Chapter 26: Choice

On my way back, I felt something almost like gratitude from the demon. I didn’t know what to think of that. But I knew that I was not on the same side as the people back in that room. I didn’t want to be on any side. Out in the open, the wind was blowing, chilly despite the time of the year. People eyed me warily as they walked past. I was glad when I reached the hostel, and could close the door behind me. Sitting down at the kitchen table, I wondered what to do next.

I looked at the questions on the Taveye Weekly paper again. It seemed so obvious what I had missed before. I crossed out one of the words, and replaced it with a different one:

Should
Can it be destroyed?

Should it? What if Susan Holt somehow turned back to her old self, would it be right to destroy it then? Was it evil? I wondered if it even understood what was wrong with… whatever it had done to her. Absorbed? Assimilated? It probably had no concept of individuality in the first place. Maybe the question of whether it was evil didn’t mean anything, and I might as well ask if it was libertarian. No, evil wasn’t the word. But still, it felt so wrong. That cave… I sensed the memory trying to resurface again, but I pushed it down. Even now, I could hardly bear to think about it. I wished I’d never gone inside, or maybe that I’d decided to stay home…

I thought back to the meeting. To Mrs. Wick’s words. “You chose every step of the way.” But I hadn’t really chosen all this. Had I? I remembered my conversation with Jeff. If Helena and I had still been together… And I wished we were. She left, and I wished she’d stayed. But I never wished I’d gone with her. I couldn’t have, because… because… And suddenly all the reasons I’d given sounded like feeble excuses. And the real reason… she’d probably have gone into that cave herself, I remembered thinking. She’d have gone without a second thought. And she had gone without a second thought. And it hadn’t felt right that I should leave for her sake, when she wouldn’t stay for mine.

I recalled myself back to the present. I still wanted to get Susan Holt back to normal. And myself, for that matter. And I fervently hoped the Taveyans wouldn’t turn against me in the meantime. I wondered what they’d do now that they couldn’t use Mrs. Wick’s plan. Would they go after Mrs. Parker? I decided I should go and warn her, just in case.

“Is the meeting over, dear?” Mrs. Parker asked as she let me in.

“I don’t know. It is for me.”

“And what brings you back here, Mr. Evan?” Mr. Parker asked me

“I figured both of you should know what they said.”

“I’m not sure they’d want you to tell us, you know.” Mrs. Parker said.

Well, my heart bleeds for them. “They never mentioned that they didn’t.”

“We appreciate your confiding in us.” said Mr. Parker.

“So what did Mrs. Wick want from you, dear?”

“Well, she said she wanted me there because I’d seen the being below the water. Mr. Marson was there too. But later, she said she needed my help with a plan to kill the demon.”

“The council have a plan to kill it?”

“Well, she does. The rest of them seemed to think you can make it go away, Mrs. Parker. Mr. Marson too. I tried to get them to listen to reason, but…”

“Getting Mr. Marson to listen to reason is not an especially rewarding way to spend one’s time.” Mr. Parker observed.

“Anyway, she didn’t want to tell me any details about her plan until I said yes. But… killing it didn’t seem like the right thing to do. So I refused, and walked out.”

“Well…” Mrs. Parker said. “I think that was very brave of you. Especially since you have more of a reason to go along with it than most.”

“I think it might kill Susan along with it.”

“Yes, from what I remember… The poor woman. If only I’d known…”

“It didn’t even seem to matter to any of them. So long as the town survives, they don’t care who gets hurt.”

Mrs. Parker nodded. “It wasn’t that way before. But after my uncle’s death, they stonewalled the investigation. Everyone in Taveye knew, but they kept it a secret from the rest of the world for seventy years. An outsider could never understand, or so they believe. Therefore, many Taveyans treat visitors with suspicion. It was actually getting better again in recent years, but then the being below the water woke.” She sighed. “Taveye isn’t really cut out to be a tourist town. Even if the being disappeared tomorrow, and it was warm and sunny weather every day, it wouldn’t make Taveye like Falton. That ship has sailed.”

“It would be a mistake to assume they will give up so easily, though.” Mr. Parker warned.

“Yes, I know.” I said. I couldn’t imagine Mrs. Wick ever giving up. Nor any of the Taveyans, really. What could I do, in the long run? I felt a sudden surge of anger at these people, who wanted to destroy everything they didn’t understand. Who burned books they were too stupid to read. If there’s an afterlife, there must be a special place in hell for book burners.

“Maybe if we’d still had that one book, we could have found some way to help Susan…”

“You know, dear, it’s not really about the book.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t hope that book hasn’t been burned because I want it back. I don’t expect to ever see it again. But I hope that when those people, whoever they were, went home, they thought about what they’d done, and… I hope they decided not to burn the books after all. That they changed their minds.”

“Maybe… Maybe I should just try to convince Susan Holt again. Try harder, I mean.”

“I’m afraid that’s the only option available.” Mr. Parker said.

As I was leaving, it occurred to me that when you think about it, ‘Hope springs eternal’ is a very depressing phrase.

As I headed towards the beach, I felt the being tugging at my mind again.

Come closer. I couldn’t see Susan Holt anywhere when I reached the top of the dune. I hoped I wouldn’t have to wait. It was low tide, or close to it. If she was still in the cave, she’d have to hurry. But I sensed something… something like fear. Come closer. I walked across the grey sand, slowly, carefully. Seeing the shells scattered around still made me feel uncomfortable, although I couldn’t sense them anymore. Then I reached the sea. My eyes swept across the waves, and I thought I could see things moving beneath the foam. Come closer.

“I’m not going any farther than this.” I said out loud, only hoping the message would get across. There was no response that I could tell, so I just kept standing there, waiting. I was starting to doubt she’d show when her head rose up from the water.

“We should be… inside.” she said, walking towards me.

“If by inside you mean inside that cave, you can forget it.” I said.

“They… watch us.” she pointed towards the watchtower at the vantage point. I couldn’t tell if there was someone up there, but it wouldn’t surprise me.

“Let them. I doubt they’ll learn anything new.”

“They… want… to destroy us. You refused. We are… grateful.”

“I’m glad to hear it.”

“Will you… help destroy them… now?” she asked.

“What? No. I told you, I’m not going to destroy anything.”

“They… also know… where we are.”

“Only Mr. Marson does.”

“Yes. And he must die.” she said, her voice cold with hatred. “You can kill him.”

“You want me to kill an old man?”

She remained silent, apparently not sure why this should be a problem.

“I don’t want them to destroy you… I mean, the being, either. I want to do my best to prevent it. But I’m not going to outright murder someone! If we could talk them out of it…” Again, I cursed the fact that we didn’t know where the book was. It would have made things so much easier…

“The book.” she said, suddenly. “Jonathan Vaun’s book.”

“How do you know…” I began.

“We… know you.”

“But… wait, Susan, do you know where the book is?”

“They were us. The book. And… it. The thing that… changes your thoughts. Before they were them. A… long time… ago. But not anymore.”

“So you don’t know?”

“No.” she said. “We… have to… show you. We must communicate without speech.”

“No!” I took a step back, frightened. “No, that’s not what I came here for. I came to talk to Susan Holt, and that’s what I’m going to do.”

“We can make you understand.”

“If it dies, do you die along with it, Susan?” I asked.

“We die together.”

“You don’t have to, you know. If you can break free…”

“Break free…” She didn’t sound like she understood.

“Susan, you don’t have to die for its sake. You didn’t even come here because of it, did you? You came here to talk to people about the factory.”

“They didn’t listen.” she said.

“The Taveyans wouldn’t tell you anything, would they? Say, did you ever get to publish that article?” I asked, in a bizarrely casual tone.

“They didn’t… listen.” she said.

“I bet they just didn’t want to talk to you at all, did they?”

“They want to… keep everything… secret. She… would not be with them!”

“She meaning you, Susan? But just because you’re not with them doesn’t mean you have to be against them. You could just get out of this hellhole.”

“We can not leave.”

“When was the last time you had a proper meal?” I asked. “Or slept in a warm bed?”

“We are… home below the water.”

“Don’t you miss life? Don’t you…” I hesitated. I’m probably the last person who should be giving a “you have so much to live for” speech, I thought wryly. “Don’t you have friends or family?”

“No.” she said. Her answer didn’t surprise me, but I’d hoped the question would at least make her feel something. But she seemed completely indifferent.

I searched desperately for something to say. Looking around, I saw the watchtower.

“Have you ever been up there, in the tower?” I asked. “The view is beautiful. You can see the beach, but you can also see inland, and there’s…” but she wasn’t listening.

“They were in the tower. Watching us. But… now… we must leave.” She turned around and waded back into the water.

“Susan! Wait!” I yelled. But she just kept walking. “Susan!” I ran after her, but then a wave of thought crashed into me.

Stop.

And I wasn’t walking anymore. I wasn’t sure if I didn’t want to, or couldn’t. Then I turned around, back towards the dune. I had an overwhelming sense that I didn’t belong here. It wasn’t fear. It was more like… repulsion. Rejection. Unwelcomeness. This place wasn’t for me. I shouldn’t be here. The feeling was so intense it made me nauseous. Everything is wrong here. I must go somewhere else. And I did, I walked back along the path. I wanted to run, but I was afraid I’d get dizzy, or trip and fall. When I reached the top, I knew there were people nearby, but I couldn’t see clearly. Couldn’t think clearly. I wasn’t at home in my own skin. I went into an alley. What am I doing here? Leaning against the wall, I felt the feeling slowly subside. I wondered what had just happened. Could it do that to me whenever? Or maybe it couldn’t, and it had seized the chance as soon as possible. I didn’t like either of those possibilities.

I saw a small group of people pass, walking towards the beach in an unsettlingly single-minded way. They didn’t notice me. For a moment a vision from long ago flickered across the scene. The same place. Different people, but the atmosphere was the same, thick as clouds. A sense of grim determination.

“…don’t know where they went.” I heard someone say.

“You never do, with her.”

More talking, but I couldn’t make out the words. Then they left, and so did I, making sure to walk the other way.